Back That Thing Up

So I think I have parking traumatic stress syndrome.

Last month one of my awesome roomies moved out. It was all very sad, and I miss my friend terribly… that said it did open up a wonderful parking space for Emmerson Gene (for those of you who don’t know, Emmerson Gene is my beloved little Honda)

This at first seemed like a great thing.

Yet there is a problem. The problem being that it's a rather narrow space between two poles.  And for all of you who know me, or who kindly keep up with my blog, you know that I have struggled for many years with a fear of all things driving related.  So the idea of parking in this scary narrow spot has caused considerable nerves and frustration.

I have managed to park in it several times without bumping the poles or scrapping poor E.G. ‘s door across them. However there has been several times where I have not had success. The last time I dinged him pretty good and I was really disheartened by it (see image below). I just get so panicked when approaching the spot. The last time I tried to park there, I started to pull in, only to freak myself out, pull out and park on the street.

So I suppose one of the things on my Fraidy cat to do list is to claim the parking spot that is rightfully mine and get over the fear of using it… I just want my poor Emmerson to fare well in the process! 

For the Win

I am embarking on a yearlong experiment. I am four months in (yes I know I am really slacking in the blogging department).

I’m calling it the contest experiment.  (not a very exciting name, perhaps I should think of something more creative)

I have this dream to be a professional writer. I play with different forms of writing (I write plays, poetry, prose… oh yeah and blogging, again I realize I’ve been slacking) and I would love to have something published or produced.

But there is a major obstacle in my way…  it’s the same obstacle that I have been facing for years…. It’s me.

I have an incredible ability to get in my own way.  Or rather, my fear gets in my way. I can be very prolific, but I have this fear of actually getting my work into the world so that anything can be done with it. Actually that was part of why I began these blogs, to make myself write and to put it on display so that I could become comfortable with the thought of people reading it.

 I can be very strange sometimes. I will write something, have rewrite it, and have trusted friends give me feedback, but when it comes to sending it into a contest, or to a theatre company I completely lose my nerve.  I am sure that a lot of why I do behave this way comes down to the fear of failure. After all there is always that possibility of rejection. Having anyone not like something that you have created, nurtured and poured excessive amounts of emotional energy into is a terrifying possibility. But the truth is I just have to get over it!

So I have decided to send things in to at least two contests a month for this entire year. Yes, I run the risk of having my work rejected, in fact some already has been and you know what I survived it! I am hoping that the more I do it the less scary it will become.

Yes the chances of me winning one of these things enabling me to really get my work out there may be slim, but the chances are nonexistent if I don’t try at all! 

If your friends don't dance and if they don't dance...

Okay so I am writing about an event that happened a few weeks ago. A few weeks ago you say, why that’s not keeping up with your blog now is it? Give me a break I have been grading finals and stuff… Fraidy Cat has bills to pay sheesh!

Okay so a few weeks ago I took a road trip to Vegas with some girlfriends. And no there were no dead strippers or kidnapped members of the party, or any of the other crazy things that seem to happen in the Vegas of the Movies. But there was something equally terrifying for this nervous Nelly… Dance Clubs!

I know it seems silly, but the idea of an overly loud room with other people’s bodies invading my space is enough this girl’s palms sweat. About six years ago I went briefly into a club with my sister and my cousin, the place almost instantly pushed me into a full-blown panic attack, so I turned around and left, vowing to never enter such a place again.

But now as I am in a spirit of facing my fears and growing I decided to take on the clubs again.  The truth is I like to dance but dancing in public where people can see me, judge me, has always been something I find hard to get over. But it’s something I do want to get over; it was a major part of the motivation to take on this challenge.

The biggest motivation however was friendship.  Friends mean a great deal to me, and some of my girlfriends really really like to go out dancing at clubs. One of my dear friends was moving (has sense moved L) and I knew it was going to be one of the last times we would all be together for a while. So I was determined. After all these days the panic attacks are under control so I knew that I could not use that as an excuse.  I was so set on doing this that I made a commitment to myself that even if I was having a terrible time I would suck it up and fake it.

But something glorious happened, I did not have to fake having a good time. I actually did have a good time. I don’t know if is my new found bravery in things (ok so I am no fearless worrier yet, but I’m braver than I once was) or the possible potent potables that may have been consumed (what happens in Vegas stays there they say) or if it was the amazing group of women that I was hanging with (my money is actually on the last reason) but whatever it was what I can say is this… I lived in the moment, and I didn’t stress about all the people or the noise, and most of I danced and it was wonderful! 

Small Fears Can Be Titanic

It’s not only the big fears that one must conquer. Sometimes the small ones have serious impact.

Meet Titanic… 

the name lovingly given by some of the teachers to the copy machine at work. For the longest time I was afraid of Titanic. Now I am sure some of you are thinking, “Jenn, we know you have serious anxiety issues but a copier? Really?”

Yes really. I know it is seems strange but the anyone who has ever helped me work my computer or received a text message from me intended to be sent to someone else knows that technology is not my friend.  In fact it’s pretty miraculous that I have been able to create a blog. 

Not only was I afraid to work the damn thing, I also lost the code that runs the copier. I started to get embarrassed to ask my coworkers what it was. And the longer I waited the more embarrassed I became. I was printing stuff out at home for my students, using my own ink and paper because I was too ashamed to ask for help.

But I faced my fear. I asked one of my lovely coworkers what the code was, and have since been running using Titanic (successfully mostly) on a regular basis. I have also memorized the code, so yay me!

I know this seems small, but all the little fears conquered do add up!  

Phobia V.S. Fear

Many people are nervous when it comes to driving. Especially when it comes to driving in the crowded car loving city of L.A. with its crazy freeways and insane lack of parking. Driving is something that should be done with respect and caution.

But what I got going on is something that goes far beyond a healthy respect. I have a full out phobia of driving. For me getting behind the wheel requires a positive self-talk, and lots of meditative breathing. It also causes a lot of physical distress. Since I have started driving again I have had sleepless nights, upset stomach and more jaw clenching and teeth grinding than any mouth should ever have to deal with. I’ve essentially been making myself ill with worry. This is what sets apart a phobia from your run of the mill nerves. The adrenalin that is being pumped out by me right now is at a level that you would think I was being chased by a lion.

The thing about a phobia its work to overcome, so much work that its almost easier just not to deal with it. But they can be overcome, and the only way to get over it is to do the thing you fear. It is so counterintuitive when everything inside you is screaming that participating in the activity you fear is the worst possible thing you can do for yourself. 

That’s what driving is for me. But I refuse to let the phobia rule me. It’s going to take time. It’s going to take patience. And it’s going to take lots and lots of deep breathing.

This is a fear that’s going to be an ongoing one to face. This is the first entry on driving on Fraidy Cat Does, but you can be sure it wont be the last!

Welcome To Fraidy Cat Does!

Welcome to my new blog!

For the record I don’t plan on abandoning http://girltransit.blogspot.com/ … at least not yet. 

But this is a different type of blog than Girl in Transit, the latter deals a lot with my emotions and what not. This blog is all about doing (ok and how that doing make me feel)

For those of you who know me, you know I struggle with some anxiety and deep seated- fears. I am the ultimate Fraidy Cat!  But it’s not something I like about myself, and its something I want to change.

So this is a blog about me doing the things that scare me.

When I told my parents of this idea, the cracked up and my father said I should call it the “Shit my pants bucket list” classy man J But after they stopped laughing hysterically they said it was a great idea. I told my friend Leah and she thought it was an amazing idea, I asked her “even if I drag you along on some of these adventures?” she said she was game (and there went my excuse out of it, I knew I had to do this thing)

My friend Bethany put it best when she said that the goal of it is to run out of things to write about. An ambitious goal, but a pretty cool one to shoot for.

So here it goes… I’m holding my self accountable, and facing my fears, and I going to take you along for the ride!

Oh and by the way, I’ve started driving again…so you’re going to be hearing all about that very soon, stay tuned!